Are We Having Fun Yet?

by Myrna R. Neims, Ph.D.

This article was written prior to the tragedies that occurred in our schools this past year. I believe that it has more meaning now than ever before. It is part of my ongoing work to help create meaningful relationships between parents and teens, teens and their peers, and people in general. It seems to me as if we are evolving into “human doings” as opposed to human beings. Those of us involved in RCC (Relationship Centered Care) may be guilty of this, too. Although we are adept at helping others to be more relationship oriented, I can’t help but notice that we don’t always care for ourselves or attend to our families. How odd that we overlook the most basic of relationship builders—laughter! How curious that we forget to take time to enjoy ourselves and have fun with the people who mean the most to us. Laughter and joy are universal and are fundamental to creating and maintaining solid relationships.

Having fun has become a forgotten art in many families. We are too busy, or believe that it costs too much, or we get stalled because we think that not everyone wants to do the same thing or, even worse, we believe that having fun is a waste of time. Our family life has become terminally serious!

For some of us, the belief that we must always be doing something productive interferes with our enjoyment of the time we have off from work. When we take this attitude into our play activities, we find that it becomes just as stress-filled as our work may be!

Busy, active families may find that there is much too much to accomplish during “free time” to have any time left over for relaxation and play. A study by Hilton Hotels Corporation several years ago found that 90% of Americans spent almost half of their weekend time doing chores or working at their jobs. The predictable result is that we feel every bit as worn out on Monday morning as we did on Friday evening.

Kids complain that they never get to do anything because the family is busy doing chores, running errands and otherwise catching up on what they didn’t get done during the week. Parents are grumpy and stressed. Kids are disappointed and have the feeling that they are not valuable enough to have parents take the time to be with them. When there is a small window of time available for play, parents wonder why it is that their kids are not interested in spending time with them! For teens, of course, part of the desire to not be seen with their parents is developmental. It is a sign of their loyalty to their friends (who often claim to loathe their parents) as well as their need to let their parents know that they can be independent. These both hold great importance. Of equal importance, however, is the creation of an environment where family members can appreciate one another in a way different than in the usual parent-child situation. This is a time when disappointments, regrets and anger must be put aside, if not erased completely.

The creation of this time is no small challenge! It is important to keep in mind that what an adult thinks is fun is not always what a teen thinks is fun. This doesn’t mean that one idea is better than another, they are just different. Family time presents an opportunity for parents to allow the “child part” of themselves to come out and play! It is also an opportunity for teens to have some new experiences that they may enjoy. The family may want to explore some new things that no one has tried before. You may want to create rituals out of the most enjoyable family times. For example, if on the second Sunday of the month the family goes hiking and has a great time, you may want to reserve the second Sunday of every month to do that. It is also fun to record the activities either through video camera or photographs.

It is often tempting for parents to do as Huckleberry Finn did and pretend that doing household chores is fun! White washing the fence wasn’t fun then, and it isn’t fun now! Cutting the grass and digging up the yard still falls under the category of work, no matter how hard we try to tell ourselves it is fun. Adults pretend to believe it, but teens see it for what it is! Doing chores is a good use of time, but so is having fun. Time needs to be allotted for both.

Don’t put off until tomorrow the fun you can have today! When you come up with ideas for the family to do, don’t put it off until the “right time” comes around. We lose enthusiasm, excitement and energy when we put things off. People of all ages begin to get wary of the things that are planned but never seem to happen. We start to distrust those who make the promises that are never kept.

In the creation of family fun time, it is important that the play itself doesn’t turn into work. We can begin to play for fun and then become totally focused and doggedly determined to be better each time we play. When we are engaged in family activity, the object is to have fun. We need to be mindful of this objective to ensure that a game of tennis or golf doesn’t turn into a time to teach or criticize. Competitive sports can easily turn into situations where one person has a need to prove that he or she is better than the other, resulting in bad feelings all around. Helpful hints are great when someone asks for them! They can be painful and discouraging when unsolicited.

Some questions to ask yourself about having fun:

• Can you have fun if what you’re doing is not your idea?
• Can you have fun if you don’t win at something?
• Are you willing to try something new?
• Does having fun have to cost a lot of money?
• Do you make sure no one else has a good time if you don’t like what’s going on?
• What does your family do for fun?
• What are some things you have done with your family that you really enjoyed?

It has become obvious to me that a major component of Relationship Centered Care is about caring for ourselves and for our loved ones. Creating joy and laughter in our lives and in the lives of others promotes and maintains healthy relationships…and it IS fun!